tonight is lag b’omer in israel. shimon bar yochai, famous kabbalist rabbi dies on this day hundreds of years ago, so all of israel’s youth gather and light massive pyres all over the city – chemically traeted and stained wood, plywood, shipping crates leaned against each other smoke pillowing throughout the sky its nice and bright but i’m suffocating, my mind choking in its own head rush of a bonfire, burning since thursday when i had to say goodbye yet again to the familiar…
the desert, the stillness, the air, the sand, the emptiness and fullness of it all, the simplicity of everything – whatever residual love of the arava valley desert i’ve been so faithfully cultivating in my heart has begun to decay at shocking uncontrollable speed. tonight i stood amidst a mass of carnivores and barbecues, surrounded by apartment buildings so tightly spaced together the moon was hiding. i was out in a park and yet claustrophobic, my only solace found in the advice of a friend, who said that ‘simplicity is within, not out.’ i took a few more breaths of toxicity and left.
leaving lotan, leaving israel, the return to america, the orange walls of flame i saw tonight have reached up to chest level – i’m exhausted and running on auxiliaries right now – we’ve the swallowed stage everybody. its amazing how easy it is to get plugged back into the matrix, isn’t it? life was so simple, so slow, so nice just 72 hours ago. affirmations were set, goals were made, and now like passing tel-aviv traffic on friday afternoons the priorities have shifted in space, alarmingly not as lucid as they once had seemed. and why? just when direction was being set and realized, does the prospect of an environmental graduate program frighten me? i researched the school (u of michigan) for a few happy minutes later but had to close the window. my focus has to be on leaving this place, processing what i already left, and figuring what to keep and take with me, and what i must leave behind.
it really is a hard space to be in, as i’m sure you know by now. being between countries, awaiting flights to transatlantic destinations feels like your heart mind and digestive tract is being ripped apart. like y2k you just want the bullshit to be over with already. tomorrow more fun goodbyes, some serious meditation and no meat. i really want my strength back.