Why Hate on the Haight?

Why do homeless kids always have dogs?

My theory is that they’re trying to pawn off their own rancid smell on the puppy, which is complete animal cruelty, and I’m morally offended. Tell the PETA people to forget fur. Go after the gutter punks on Haight and Masonic, snatch the puppies, and put ‘em back in their cages for medical experiments and shampoo testing.

A few weeks ago, I saw a cute black Labrador in the arms of an older fellow who resembled a pirate, though I don’t think he did that intentionally. It was about as big as my laptop, licking the floor. I went to the store and bought some dog food, thinking he’d see past my hidden contempt and only the shining generosity.

“What the fuck is this?” he asks me.  He smells like rotten beets, smallpox, and scotch piss.

“What the fucks it look like dude? It’s your dinner.”

Another story.

The street rats that floated in from Maine and New Hampshire looking for adventure. The ganja mistress selling pastries to crowds at corners. But the environmentalists are the worst. Eco-chic activism at its most annoying.

Lanky, organic cotton yoga pants and hemp short sleeve button up, red weathered beanie he got as a gift from a Sherpa in Machu Picchu while volunteering with orphans, and a short, ragged beard. Meet the Greenpeace salesman. There’s something uncomfortably wrong about making commission off of signatures for the environment.

“Hi! Do you have a minute to care about the environment?”

Ugh. That line always kills me.

Say YES and you’re in a fucked discussion that usually begins like this: “Well, what we’re trying to do is simply this…Do you know about the baby whales dying in the China coast? It’s terrible…What’s your name? Oh, you’re Jewish? I met a guy who lived in Israel and worked a Shepard…If you could just sign here and become a member and show your support…”

So usually I just go with NO.

Then I run away.


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I'm fascinated with people, their stories, where they're coming from and where they're headed. Met many, and now it's time to write my own. follow the footprint.

3 thoughts on “Why Hate on the Haight?”

  1. I find this offensive bordering on the grotesque. Because you have money, that entitles you to share the companionship of a pet? Because someone is old and smells bad, they’re not worthy? But they are worthy of eating dog food? As someone who knows you, this is very disappointing. Maybe it was a joke gone terribly awry.

  2. Alright yuck.

    I waited a few days to respond, otherwise my words would’ve put further strain on our already tarnished relationship. So allow me to retort.

    First off, I’m totally serious about this post. I don’t know how inferred that there was some joke or hidden innuendo here – I hate all homeless people and wish they would all die horrible, little deaths, okay? So we’ve cleared that up. Your first question: Do I deserve a puppy because I have money? ABSOLUTELY. First though, I would need said money, being as I am a poor student living in San Francisco, devoting all my time to making fake ads and fast women.

    The fact that the homeless around the Haight are old and smell bad: that doesn’t mean they should be denied the pleasure of a pup – that just means that they’re old and smell bad, and it offends me on an entirely olfactory level. Nothing more. They can panhandle all they want. Just take a shower in a river every once in a while. Shit. They’d probably make more money. Or maybe they wouldn’t. I don’t know. I’m no panhandling expert. Are you?

    As someone who knows me, I’m surprised this post led you to be disappointed. To be frank, (you’re still yuck) I find it equally disheartening that you lost your sense of humor when you moved up to Seattle. Perhaps a flight down the coast is in order? Then you can see what its really like instead of criticize from the sidelines under uninspired pseudonyms.

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