Why do homeless kids always have dogs?
My theory is that they’re trying to pawn off their own rancid smell on the puppy, which is complete animal cruelty, and I’m morally offended. Tell the PETA people to forget fur. Go after the gutter punks on Haight and Masonic, snatch the puppies, and put ‘em back in their cages for medical experiments and shampoo testing.
A few weeks ago, I saw a cute black Labrador in the arms of an older fellow who resembled a pirate, though I don’t think he did that intentionally. It was about as big as my laptop, licking the floor. I went to the store and bought some dog food, thinking he’d see past my hidden contempt and only the shining generosity.
“What the fuck is this?” he asks me. He smells like rotten beets, smallpox, and scotch piss.
“What the fucks it look like dude? It’s your dinner.”
The street rats that floated in from Maine and New Hampshire looking for adventure. The ganja mistress selling pastries to crowds at corners. But the environmentalists are the worst. Eco-chic activism at its most annoying.
Lanky, organic cotton yoga pants and hemp short sleeve button up, red weathered beanie he got as a gift from a Sherpa in Machu Picchu while volunteering with orphans, and a short, ragged beard. Meet the Greenpeace salesman. There’s something uncomfortably wrong about making commission off of signatures for the environment.
“Hi! Do you have a minute to care about the environment?”
Ugh. That line always kills me.
Say YES and you’re in a fucked discussion that usually begins like this: “Well, what we’re trying to do is simply this…Do you know about the baby whales dying in the China coast? It’s terrible…What’s your name? Oh, you’re Jewish? I met a guy who lived in Israel and worked a Shepard…If you could just sign here and become a member and show your support…”
So usually I just go with NO.
Then I run away.